Greg Oden, Larger Than a Breadbox? (NSFW)
Posted by Athos | Filed under Uncategorized
Recent reports have surfaced that pictures taken on a cell phone of a nude Greg Oden have been found on the internet. When asked about the photos Oden said that they were taken and sent to a former girlfriend and that he is extremely sorry. Oden also announced that he is joining MTV’s new “A Thin Line” initiative that discourages digital abuse like sexting, sending nude photos, and videos. When asked to elaborate Oden said, “When I sent the pic to her, I was like “Babe, this is just for your eyes. Nobody else going to see these, right?” and then she texted back, “yeah OD, I <3 U 4 3v3r”. Choking back tears Oden said, “Man. I knew that ho was no good…” The new ads will feature Oden talking about the photos while the camera zooms out to reveal a censored, naked Oden. I believe I speak for everyone at the Ushuaia Weather Report when I say that we hope Oden will recover from this traumatic experience. Even after an exhaustive internet search by yours truly, the incriminating photos were unable to be found. However, thanks to Ushuaia Weather Report Staff Artist Daniel Lewis, Oden’s picture was recreated for you the readers.
Real American Heroes
Posted by Aramis | Filed under Uncategorized
Archive
Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was punched in the face by an irate fan outside a South Bend restaurant early Sunday morning and has a swollen eye, a person briefed on the incident said on Monday.
That person said Clausen was “sucker-punched” by a fan as he left an establishment after having dinner with his parents.
The fan allegedly said something to Clausen and/or a female acquaintance.
A South Bend police spokesman said that no police reports were filed over the weekend involving Clausen, according to the Chicago Tribune.
The newspaper also reported that the name of the bar was CJ’s and that a bartender at the establishment said that Clausen had been there with family members and other Irish upperclassmen after Notre Dame’s loss to Connecticut on Senior Day.
The source told ESPN.com that the injury is not expected to keep Clausen from playing this weekend against Stanford.
Top Tennessee quarterbacks of the last two decades
Posted by jbryan18 | Filed under Uncategorized
The UWR’s newest contributer Jacob Bryant
His brother won a national championship at Florida, but where does C.J. Leak fall on the list of UT quarterbacks of the past two decades?
In the midst of my alcohol induced elation over Jonathan Crompton’s early couple of touchdown passes, I came to the conclusion that he had just overtaken Brent Schaeffer and Rick Clausen on my list of favorite Tennessee quarterbacks that have played the position during my lifetime. There was only one problem; I did not have such a list. Therefore, I set about making one and this is what I came up with:
Editors Note: This list has been left in the same format that it was written on Saturday afternoon. The wording may have been influenced by alcohol consumption but it has not been changed.
Favorite UT Qb’s during my life
1. Peyton Manning
No explanation needed
Highest point: Winning the Super Bowl with the Indianapolis Colts
Lowest Point: Being winless against Florida during his college career
2. Tee Martin
Not the most gifted quarterback but the fact that he led Tennessee to its National Championship in 1998 is more than enough to make up for it.
Highest point: Defeating Florida State in the Fiesta Bowl and thus leading Tennessee to the first ever BCS National Championship
Lowest Point: In the 1999 victory over Memphis, Martin beamed a cheerleader in the head with an errant pass and she had to be taken off the field in an ambulance.
3. Heath Shuler
Behind Peyton, the most impressive QB, talent wise, during the Fulmer era
Highest Point: Being elected to congress
Lowest Point: Being elected to congress and having to listen to Nancy Pelosi on a regular basis
4. Andy Kelly
Kelly won ball-games, he also held many of Tennessee’s passing records until they were broken by Shuler and then again by Manning.
Highest Point: Being one of only 4 quarterbacks in arena football league history to throw for 800 touchdowns.
Lowest Point: Being in the arena football league long enough to throw 800 touchdowns
5. Todd Helton
Helton garners the five spot because of his baseball fame, not because of football.
Highest Point: Helping the Colorado Rockies make the World Series
Lowest Point: His entire football career
6. Casey Clausen
Clausen knew how to win, especially on the road.
Highest Point: Winning at Florida in 2001 for the first time in three decades
Lowest Point: Being despised by just about every student on UT’s campus
7. Jim Bob Cooter
What UT student could honestly say that, despite rarely sniffing the field, Cooter was not one of their favorite players?
Highest Point: His name being chanted at every home UT football game
Lowest Point: Facing charges of aggravated burglary
8. Erik Ainge
Although he had one bad season, the rest of his tenure at UT was more than enough to make up for it.
Highest Point: Dating a super hot chick
Lowest Point: Showing up at one of my parties, my sophomore year, and being a complete dick
9. Jonathan Crompton
As surprising as this is… no one can argue that over the past few weeks, Crompton has not looked like one of the best quarterbacks in the SEC this year. Makes one wonder what he might have turned out to be if Clawson had never come to run UT’s offense.
Highest Point: His resurgence during this 2009 season
Lowest Point: Receiving death threats during the 2008 season OR showing up at the same party as Eric Ainge and despite being anointed the 2nd coming of peyton manning out of high school, unsuccessfully attempting to pick up a certain girl that I went to high school with
10. Brent Schaeffer
Although his time at UT was short and he went on to play for another SEC team, the half of a season he played as a freshmen was one of the most exciting times in Tennessee Football
Highest Point: Either, being selected the SEC’s best scrambler leading up to the 2007 season or being a first team all-american at the college of the sequoias… take your pick
Lowest Point: Assaulting another UT student who was arguing with his girlfriend
11. Rick Clausen
Clausen found a way to win a few ballgames but he was probably the least talented player to ever play significantly under center for the vols.
Highest Point: Leading the 2005 comeback victory over his old team, LSU… which sparked a riot and the burning of a mattress in the parking lot across from Neyland stadium
Lowest Point: Drunkenly falling over a second story balcony at a party
12. Suggs, Matthews, Colquitt, Stephens, Coleman
All pretty much the same person
Highest Points: Being on a major college program
Lowest Points: Not being worth a damn
13. C.J. Leak
The only reason Leak is 13th is because there is nobody else to put him behind. Not only was he not good, he also helped Florida game plan against the Vols and his brother won a national championship for Florida
Highest Point: Being forgotten by some Vols fans or confused with James Banks who was kicked off the team after using a plastic cock filled with urine to attempt to fool a drug test
Lowest Point: His entire life
DAMN YOU ZICKEFOOOOOOOOSE !!!!!!
Posted by Klob Kessling | Filed under Uncategorized
Apparently these guys rolled in to Knoxville from Murivul (Maryville) for a big night on the town, then all of a sudden they get held up.
Three Key Points:
1. There is no doubt in my mind they were headed to or coming from Bar Knoxville.
2. They must not be Maryville High School alums because they didn’t mention how good their high school is a football as all Maryville alums do.
3. Is anyone as shocked as I am they didn’t use the word “boy” or “boys” when refering to their attackers. Race relations must be improving over in Blount County.
Also, how great is that last quote?
We was in Knoxville, so we thought somethin’ like this was gonna happen.
Ole Miss Fans
Posted by Klob Kessling | Filed under Uncategorized
Well Crap
Posted by Klob Kessling | Filed under Uncategorized
I know the Vendidad has had a stone bone over this all day so I may as well address it. Tennessee’s first arrests of the Lane Kiffin era happened this (Thursday) morning. This seems incredibly hard to believe after enduring the post National Championship Fulmer years where any level infraction just got a two game suspension (thats still four times as harsh as what Urban “The Moral Compass” Meyer is handing out), but yes it is true. Normally I truthfully would not care about this as long as they were “sorry” and “paid their debt to society” and still produced on the field/ got the boot if it were really bad, but this is harmful on a lot of levels. I know some people will read that and accuse me of not caring about these guys and athletes in general as people, but rather just for their athletic ability. Maybe this is true, but I would ask these people this question, ” Do these athletes really care about me and the rest of their fellow students as people?” Doubtful. Athletes are completely on the receiving end of the student-athlete/ regular student relationship. Let’s compare. Regular students recieve: occasional joy, heartbreak, bragging rights. Student athletes receive: fame, adoration, free education, better food, a boost to multi-million dollar careers in pro sports, and probably a lot of other sweet crap, all paid for by our tuition, tickets, merchandise, etc. Given all this should I really care about how these guys have squandered everything they’ve been given and have possibly ruined their lives? As a good person I probably should, but today I truly do not. That being said I’m gonna focus on how bad this is for the team and not how bad their lives are gonna suck when they get sent back to the Florida swamps and spend their days chasing rabbits and smoking looseys.
How seriously stupid are these guys? If there was one place on the Strip where I wouldn’t rob someone, it would overwhelmingly be that Pilot. Not only is it the busiest gas station on Earth and on the corner of a major intersection, but every time I’ve ever been there, there are about 50 police officers just hanging out. I guess they planned it for the exact time every cop went inside to look at the Natty Light scooter they have on display in there. The fact that they were caught before they even got back to Gibbs (a two minute drive) should tell us something. Their targets , one’s last name is Zickefoose, were sitting in their 1998 Hyundai waiting for a friend to come out of Pilot at the time of the incident. How much money did they really think that would get off of some guys in a ’98 HYUNDAI?!!! Has anyone in a ’98 Hyundai ever rolled around with more than like $20 bucks in their pockets? I seriously doubt it. Guess how much these guys had. No seriously guess. $0. All three combined for $0. But how did Zickefoose and crew know that these guys were Tennessee football players? Was it racial profiling? Maybe it was due to the fact that the assailants were wearing some Tennessee football gear, the kind of gear YOU CAN ONLY GET WHEN YOU ARE ON THE TENNESSEE FOOTBALL TEAM. I mean shit, is there even anyone in the state of Tennessee that doesn’t know what Nu’Keese Richardson looks like? He’s been all over the media ever since he signed here. Jonathan Crompton could shave his mustache and be less recognizable that Nu’Keese. If Peyton Manning showed up wearing any color other than blue or orange, people would still recognize Nuke more. At some point, one guy pulls out an Airsoft gun and sticks it in Zickefoose and his boys’ face and they cough up all zero of their dollars before one guy who was in the store during the robbery (please be Janzen Jackson) convinces the other two to leave, they hop in one of like three Priuses on the UT campus, with Marie Montmarquet (who is apparently a big fan of Barack Obama’s high school basketball team) and drive off. Unbelievably, this isn’t the first time a UT player has gotten in trouble with an Airsoft gun. If my memory serves me correct, Marsalous Johnson or Ja’Kourri Williams or someone like that waived one at a Highway Patrolman a couple years back and got a two game suspension. Zickefoose claims in the article that he wasn’t scared because the robber “didn’t have too much authority,” that, and the end of the gun was painted orange like, as I know from Aramis and Athos, all Airsoft guns are. I know Zickefoose was a victim of a crime and all, but his interview makes him seem like a total douche. I bet he wasn’t scared, you know, since armed robberies happen all the time on grimy streets of Knoxville. I’m sure the guy was just about to say something hard like “Go ahead and pull the trigger, bitch! I don’t give a f*ck!” right before the players ran away.
I think this is going to be worse for recruiting than anything else. If found guilty, Kiffin has to give Nu’keese and Edwards the boot, (I’m still holding out hope Janzen was an innocent bystander)and they are pretty replaceable from what I’ve seen of them so far, but each of their roles in recruiting is very important. The Nu’Keese Richardson recruiting saga is well if not overly documented but he is a pipeline to fruitful Florida Everglades region of recruiting and a symbol of Tennessee’s ability to compete with and beat Florida, Florida State, and Miami in recruiting battles. While Edwards has gotten less pub than other newcomers, he was a huge get coming out of Cleveland, a talent rich area usually dominated by Ohio State. His high school alone produces around ten Division-1 players every year like current NFL-ers Troy Smith and Ted Ginn, as well as Bone Thugs N Harmony. Edwards becoming successful at UT could have helped loosen Ohio State’s grip on the area. Jackson changed his commitment from LSU at the last second and proved that Tennessee can come into your back yard and take your five star recruits, which made more that a few coaches really nervous. Now they’ve screwed up all of the staffs hard work and given the competition another way to negatively recruit against us. No one in the SEC, not even Vanderbilt (thank you Doster) can honestly make the claim that you won’t get in trouble at their school, but as long as Meyer and Saban still coach in the SEC, honesty won’t be a factor in recruiting. The part of all of this I hate the most is that just yesterday Kiffin was talking about the great discipline of his team this year. More than anything I feel that this is why they are going to get kicked off the team (still hoping Janzen Jackson isn’t included in that). Say what you will about Kiffin, but he doesn’t take shit from anyone and won’t leave it alone if you try to make him look bad. These players players made him look bad (except maybe not Janzen) and will pay with their Tennessee careers (except Janzen, I beg you). Nuke, have fun playing at FIU/FAU, and Mike Edwards, I hear Cleveland is nice this time of year.
El Tren del Fin del Mundo
Posted by Athos | Filed under Uncategorized
Howdy Internet Adventurers, here is this week’s round-up of sports oddities and interesting stories that caught my eye. And yes, I know I missed last week’s “El Tren del Fin del Mundo” you can stop emailing me. Again, for the unenlightened, El Tren del Fin del Mundo is the End of the World Train or the most southern railway in the world, which is based out of Ushuaia.
Locomotive: Titans running back Chris Johnson has found a new way to motivate his linemen. Inspired by the Obama administration, Johnson has introduced his “Yards for Cars” incentive. If Johnson rushes for more than 2,000 yards on the season, then each of his linemen will get a car. However with one caveat. It’s probably going to be a Honda. Which will lead to scenes like this.
And perhaps a rash of car related injuries, unrelated to cars moving. Props to Jim Wyatt of The Tennessean, http://www.tennessean.com/article/20091105/SPORTS01/911050372/1027
Coal Car: NBA TV analyst Rick Kamla recently referred to Yi Jianlian as a “Chinaman”.
Apparently, no one gave Kamla the memorandum on “Chinaman” not being the preferred nomenclature when referring to Asians. Personally, I prefer Bill Simmons’ nickname “The Chairman” that refers not only to the head of the communist party, but to also Yi’s skills video that featured him posting up a chair. Word is that Shawn Bradley was not available at the time.
First-Class Car: Apparently fans of the University of Flo Rida have decided to throw down their jean shorts and defend their honorable football team as only they can. By pointing their fingers at the University of Georgia and whining to god-knows-who that “[The Bulldogs] started it”. They claim that Georgia linebacker Nick Williams committed a late hit on quarterback Tim Tebow after he handed the ball off. And thus, Brandon Spikes (My god, how aptly named) was then justifiably defending yon maiden Tebow’s honour by failing in his attempt to gouge out Georgia running back Washaun Ealey’s eye. Nothing sends a message like attempting to remove one of the five senses. Which as primarily sight reliant animals, we humans tend to hold dear. However, for this minor indiscretion, Spikes was suspended for one half of Flo Rida’s upcoming game against the Vanderbilt Vampires/Bye Week/Blacksmiths/Commodores. When some of the sports world expressed indignation over Speyeks being suspended for only a half, the sentence was commuted (In Vandy’s point of view) to a game suspension. So, score one for Vandy. Here is a computer generated team picture of the Dores if they were to play a Flo Rida team + Spikes.
Dining Car: Here at the Ushuaia Weather Report we try to bring you coverage of lesser known sports as well as news items you might miss. So in this spirit I introduce you to Hornussen. The Swiss sport goes like so. A person places a small, hole less doughnut shaped, rubber projectile on a curved, slightly inclined, metal launcher (a Swiss bastard version of a golf tee). They then take a long flexible rod with a heavy, weighted cylinder on the end and wind up and smack the piss out of it. The Hornuss (projectile) can move up to 200 miles an hour and fly over 300 yards away. In said object’s path are about 18 members of the opposing team. They have giant plastic, protester-looking signs they use to bat the Hornuss down to prevent the other team from scoring. Now factor in the difficulty of hitting a small, approaching the speed of light, Hornuss and you get a sport where someone hits the piss out of a small ball and 18 people run around like idiots also trying to smack the piss out of the ball on a field over 200 yards long. Did I mention that people attempt to throw their protest signs at the hornuss? Like the few of us that might throw their tennis or racquetball racket at the ball in a vain attempt at a return, Hornussen players launch their signs with usually better results. And by better results, I mean it makes the sport funnier to watch. Watch if you dare or have the time. And is it just me or is the SLH (my made up name for the professional Hornussen league, Switzerland Hornussen League) missing a golden opportunity by not having advertisements on each Hornuss paddle?
Coach Car: In unrelated news, the Tennessee Titans finally won a game. No thanks in part to Jeff Fisher, whom for 6 games refused to play Vince Young. With his first start of the season Young proceeded to complete 15 of 18 passes with no interceptions or sacks. Now he did benefit from a revitalized run game and defense, but much of the credit needs to go to Young for not being sacked or turning the ball over while gaining several first downs using his legs. Such sweet vindication (albeit minor) for Young against his detractors, who seem to forget that he won the Titans many games before refusing to go back into a game after being hurt. You know, so you don’t want to get hurt further, which happened anyway after his mustachioed genius of a head coach made him go back in. Now I know Kerry played well last year and he certainly had a right to compete for the starting job, but to actually give it to him at the start of this year was idiocy. I know, I know. Hindsight is 20/20. Except that I called this happening in August. Collins has failed to ever have successful back to back seasons. And he is older than dirt (and yet younger than Brett Favre). Thankfully, smarter heads prevailed and gave Young the starting job after a minor speed bump of 0-6. According to sources, the smarter head was none other than Bud Adams. The 86 year old, World War 2 veteran saw what needed to be done and put his foot down. Which makes me nervous and again casts doubt over the management and staff of the Tennessee Titans.
Caboose: Joba Chamberlain’s Mom. Or Jabba the Hutt’s mom depending on where you look on the internets. So anyway; Yankees fans, you may have won a 27th championship, which just writing makes me feel like someone hit a Hornuss at my balls, you still must live with this.
ESPN 8 Slated to Carry Ushuaia Weather Report Segments
Posted by Athos | Filed under Uncategorized
As reported on the “Ocho”, ESPN 8 has entered in a partnership with the Ushuaia Weather Report to help bring obscure sports and sports news to the masses.
When asked for comments, Cotton McKnight said, “The Ushuaia Weather Report has long been a source of reliable, breaking news. We’re really excited about bringing this website into a new medium.”
Pepper Brooks was also asked for a statement, but could not be reached as he is on Pentecost Island in the south Pacific covering Land Diving.
Land Diving
Shawne Merriman Really Knows How To Treat A Lady
Posted by Klob Kessling | Filed under Uncategorized
J.J. Redick to join NBA’s elite
Posted by deezy'artagnan | Filed under Uncategorized
According to the always reputable AllHipHop.com J.J. Redick and a group of friends are joining together to release a rap album. A name for the group has not yet been decided upon, however their debut album will be titled “waste management”.
Ironically, the 3 names they have been kicking around are Sub-Par (Reflection of his NBA career thus far), Afterthought (What J.J. will become outside of Durham, NC within 5 years), and No-”Profits” (The amount of money they will make off of this album)
J.J. will now be mentioned with the likes of Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Chris Webber, and Allen Iverson as NBA players turned rappers.
Through his 3 seasons entering the current one J.J. had appeared in 140 games, roughly half of his teams total contests. As a lottery pick in 2006 it is safe to say that the Magics were looking for a little more production out of their slow and unathletic shooting guard from Duke.
Since he can no longer let his play to do talking it seems Redick has decided to let his… flow… do it for him.
My best guess is that “waste management” will be sold at all Dad’s CD’s stores worldwide and suggested retail price is expected to be $3.99.
Writer’s note: It seems as though J.J. is trying to go mainstream by looking to join up with Master P in an effort to become a member of the No Limit Soldiers.
HOODY HOO!!
